Passion after having kids

Changing our routine as a couple.

Prior to having kids, we assumed that our life as a couple would automatically grow stronger. In a large sense, it did. Our closeness and bond grew immensely as a result of these tiny humans entering the world.

What we didn’t realize was the extent of how our life would change outside of being parents. We love being parents and find so much joy and happiness with the choices we’ve made and continue to make to better our family. But for a while we were so focused on being new parents that we forgot about the fact that we are still a COUPLE. We did make an effort into going out for dinner when we could, and attending social events together on occasion but it ended up always being the same routine over and over and lost a bit of the spark over time.

Prior to having the kids, I got a great piece of advice from a friend who had three of her own at the time (now 4! You go girl!). She told me to always remember, that your family began because Iain and I were partners first. Our passion came first. Our love came first. She told me that it will be easy to take that love and passion for granted when life gets busy and you get comfortable, but to never allow ourselves to take it for granted. That him and I would always have to work on it to keep it strong. After hearing this I remembered thinking “well DUH!” But guess what happened…Tessa came along, Scotch and Monty came along and a couple of years with no sleep along with injury & illness you tend to forget about life as a passionate couple. We totally forgot her ultimate parenting advice! Tisk Tisk!

Now don’t get me wrong, I adore my husband more and more with each passing year, but I have to admit that there have been plenty of times that I took his love for granted. His love became an expectation rather than an evolving nurtured connection. I expected him to always be there for me and the kids. I expected him to put our needs as a family first. I expected him to just accept me for my downfalls and live with that.

This was and is very selfish of me. I have learned over time and need to remind myself regularly, that he is his own person. He is an individual first. He has his own wants and needs for his own life. Yes, he is a husband and father (and a damn good one at that) but I can’t put him way up on this pedestal of perfection and not think that it will negatively affect our relationship as a couple. He can’t be expected to meet every one of my needs without question and juggle every hat that he wears perfectly. I know I can’t, so I need to be more compassionate and mindful of his needs alongside my own when it comes to our relationship together.

I need to remember that for our relationship to flourish as a couple I need to allow his own personal needs as well as my own to take priority sometimes. When this happens, we are in a great place on all fronts. As individuals, as a couple and as parents.

To keep the passion alive, we have decided to change a few things.

For one, we want to take a weekend away as a couple, quarterly. For so many reasons but mostly to do a quick reset (adults only) and not have to factor the kids into every moment of the day. It also gives our kids a vacation away from us. Kids need a break from their parents too.

Two, each month (alternating the planner) we have to come up with an elaborate local date idea. This idea came to us from my mom. Mother’s are so wise!We have set parameters around certain activities that are not allowed, solely because we often just revert back to what we are comfortable with and if we are trying to turn a spark into a fire again, we can’t keep on doing the same things.

It must be something that the other will not expect and that we both will learn something new from. NEW is the keyword here!
No dinner date alone. Been there, done that! Of course we have to eat but that can’t be the main part of the date.
As much as I love a round of golf…it’s Iain’s go to for date ideas and its been done!
No spas, as I have made Iain come with me on enough spa dates.
Must keep all activities top secret from the other until the day.

Iain has graciously agreed to be the first planner (July). It’s also my birthday month so I’m positive it will double as my birthday present. Well played Iain!

Iain and I both are very excited for the few months ahead of trying this out. We will plan on documenting them, so we can share what the date details include, to be able to pass forward some ideas for others to try out.